"A 12 O'Clock Girl in a 9 O'Clock Town!"

So been there.

Sunday Dinner

Diana Ross in a mid-1980's homage to Island of Lost Souls, with a song co-written by Michael Jackson and co-produced by The Bee Gees. Yeah, you read that right.

Who Got Da Funk?

In our sophisticated little corner of the world, food plays a huge role in our happiness and well-being. We'll never have the patience to put together a perfectly stunning meal with nary a hair out of place, or a spot on our shantung silk shift; but we appreciate good (not necessarily "fine") food in all its forms and levels. We study. We research. We read cookbooks and the Zagat guides cover to cover, like novels.

However, what constitutes "good eating" depending on our bi-polar dis..., er, mood differs substantially. For instance, during a Happy Time, our idea of a terrific meal might include a perfectly cooked order of steak frites: charred-on-the-outside-red-on-the-inside steak, well-seasoned, with crispy-on-the-outside-melty-on-the-inside frites; washed down by a perfectly mixed Martini, lots of spring water, and good company to converse with (and get dressed up for). We'll eat about half our portion, feel perfectly virtuous, and still have room to possibly split a plate of various sorbets or, if we're feeling decadent, to steal a beignet from someone else's plate.

During a Funky Time, the basic components of a perfect meal remain the same, but viewed through a Funhouse mirror:






Another important distinction from a Happy Time: Funky Time meals are eaten in solitude, with no one watching (among other reasons, so no one can see the molten pasteurized cheese sauce dripping down our chin); and there is none of that dainty leave-half-on-your-plate business. For one thing, there are no plates or cutlery involved. All of it is devoured caveman style, with not one morsel left behind on the grease-stained wrapper or in the grease-saturated cone.

As you can see, we here at Stirred, Straight Up with a Twist are not macrobiotic vegans even during the best of times; but we are a sight more glamorous than in our Funky Times. This is a Funky-esque Time right now; we haven't made the final jump into Baconator territory just yet, but we've wiggled our toes in the dangerous waters of the Spicy Chicken Sandwich.



Don't worry. Our obsession with maintaining our waistline usually precludes Funky Time from lasting any longer than 3 days.

Si, mi chiamano Mimì

I have a rather unhealthy crush on Craig Ferguson.



He's funny, intelligent, craggily attractive, has an accent, and encourages recurring guest Betty White to be utterly filthy on air. What's not to love?

Flaming Star

MISS BARBARA EDEN

(August 23, 1934)

We admit it -- in the Great Bewitched vs. I Dream of Jeannie Debate, we are firmly in the pro-nose twitching camp. Bewitched just seemed so much more...gay, what with Agnes Moorehead, Paul Lynde, Alice Ghostley and Marion Lorne prancing in and out. Samantha was also centuries more emancipated than Jeannie could ever hope to be. However, we cannot deny the irresistible charm of Barbara "Jeannie" Eden, whose beauty and sincerity made what could have been a completely dreadful show watchable, and even entertaining.

Prior to Jeannie, Eden ran the usual 50's/60's starlet trajectory: she did television (playing the MM character in a TV sitcom version of How to Marry a Millionaire); co-starred in the obligatory Elvis flick (1960's Flaming Star); co-starred in the obligatory beach party flick (1964's Ride the Wild Surf); and paid her dues by co-starring in utter crap -- 1963's The Yellow Canary with Pat Boone, anyone?

Jeannie, of course, made her an icon, and after its 1965-1970 run ended, Eden was seldom off the screen for long, making a long series of made-for-TV movies. She also toured with her nightclub act and did summer stock and dinner theater (including The Sound of Music -- although, we're not 100% sure if she played Maria, Leisl, or The Baroness). In 1979, she scored a surprise hit with an independent feature film based on Jeanne C. Riley's 1968 country/pop smash, Harper Valley P.T.A. Its success led to a mildly successful sitcom, which ran during the 1981-82 season.

There's a certain gooniness to Barbara Eden's persona and personality which we find rather charming and endearing (witness the cut-rate Ann-Margret knockoff pose, gown, wig and filtered lens above). Maybe it reminds us of the willful mix of obliviousness and delusions of glamorous grandeur that we recognize in so many drag queens (and ourselves, after one too many). If that sounds like a catty put-down, it's not intended to be: we sincerely admire Miss Eden's unflappable good humor and warmth, and send her our affectionate good wishes on her special day.

Great Genes

GENE KELLY
(August 23, 1912 - February 2, 1996)

No Wire Hangers!!!!

Or Joan Crawford will really cut you.

A Friend in Need...

Miss Vera Miles

PUBLICITY STILL FOR BACK STREET (1961)

Once hailed as the heir apparent to Grace Kelly, the gorgeous and talented Vera Miles (August 23, 1929) was Kelly's equal in cool, patrician blonde beauty; but she was also capable of etching her characterizations with acid -- two of her most memorable, scene-chewing roles were as flat-out bitches, in Autumn Leaves (1956) and Back Street (1961). In the former, she was the sluttish ex-wife of Cliff Robertson; and in the latter, the hell-raising, shrewish, alcoholic wife who drives husband John Gavin into the compassionate arms of Susan Hayward.

Miles' best remembered films, though, are the ones she made for Alfred Hitchcock. She garnered excellent reviews in The Wrong Man (1957), opposite Henry Fonda, and Hitchcock began grooming Miles for superstardom in earnest. She disappointed him greatly, though, when she had to pull out of Vertigo (1958) at the very last minute, as she learned she was pregnant. Hitchcock never completely forgave her, although he did subsequently cast her in perhaps her most famous role as Janet Leigh's sister in Psycho (1960).

Miles continued to act throughout the 1970's, 80's and 90's (including a reprisal of her role as Lila Crane in 1982's Psycho 2); she retired in 1995, and refuses all requests for interviews and public appearances. We sincerely hope that she's leading a contented and peaceful life out of the spotlight. Happy Birthday, Vera Miles!

Schell Shock

Maximillian Schell




WITH JOAN CRAWFORD AFTER WINNING THE BEST ACTOR OSCAR FOR JUDGEMENT AT NUREMBERG (1961)


WITH MELINA MERCOURI IN TOPKAPI (1964)


RETURN FROM THE ASHES (1965)



Pure gorgeousness.

Whee!!!!

It's mine!!! We're not often reduced to giggling masses of glee, but...well, we really, really wanted this one.

Frankly...

...we just don't think there are enough sausage advertisements nowadays.

The Son Also Rises

SEAN FLYNN ON THE SET OF THE SON OF CAPTAIN BLOOD (1962)

Sean Flynn (May 31, 1941 - 1970/71?) was, by all accounts, charismatic, glamorous and charming -- with Errol Flynn and Lilli Damita as his parents, he obviously had the benefit of terrific genes.





Sean's short life was certainly romantic, adventurous and, ultimately, tragic: after abandoning acting for a globetrotting career as a freelance photojournalist, he went missing while on assignment in Cambodia, allegedly taken prisoner and executed by the Khymer Rouge. Sean Flynn was declared legally dead in 1984; his remains were never found. Looking at the smiling, heart-stoppingly handsome young man in these photos, it seems all the sadder.

Somebody's Watching Me

We Need a Little Mansfield

Right this very minute.

We Love Moorehead

Congratulations to our favorite Mean Dirty Pirate, AYEM8Y, for correctly guessing our phantom phashionista, Miss Agnes Moorehead. Although, in all fairness to Peenee, the ensembles would have looked just lovely on Paul Lynde, too.

Devine Inspiration

L-R: LORETTA DEVINE, SHERYL LEE RALPH & DEBORAH BURRELL ON THE COVER OF EBONY, MAY 1982

Of Broadway's original Dreamgirls, Loretta Devine (August 21, 1949) may not have been the most glamorous (Sheryl Lee Ralph) or the most bat-sh*t crazy/brilliant (Jennifer Holliday), but she was definitely the most likeable. She was the perfect fit for her character: sweet, slightly dizzy, but warm and wiser than she appeared. Since her days as a Dream, Devine has been a solid, engaging presence on TV shows ranging from Everybody Hates Chris to Boston Legal; and she made a memorable, all-too-rare co-starring turn in Waiting to Exhale with Angela Bassett and Whitney Houston.


LORETTA DEVINE IN 2002

One gets the feeling that Loretta Devine is like the funny, witty best girlfriend we all wish we had to dish with over a cup of coffee every morning. As befits the stars of a show based on The Supremes, rumors abounded during and well after Dreamgirls had ended its Broadway run of diva fights between the ladies. Chances of a reunion seemed as slim as a reunion of...well, The Supremes. But it happened, last year, at Sheryl Lee Ralph's annual Divas Simply Singing AIDS benefit concert. We'd like to think that it was Loretta Devine who paved the way to a truce.


L-R: SHERYL LEE RALPH, JENNIFER HOLLIDAY & LORETTA DEVINE

We're Not Joking!

She will cut you.

PATTY MCCORMACK
(August 21, 1945)

In humble tribute, we present this crazy/fabulous Bad Seed/Mildred Pierce/Mommie Dearest/Countess Vaughn mash-up.

Hugs, Not Drugs

Reason #54 Why It's Not a Good Idea to Feed Your Kids Amphetamine & Cocaine Milkshakes



COURTESY VIVIR EN TUSCON

Lady in Waiting

CLICK ON PHOTO TO ENLARGE

Third in line behind Sonja Henie and Vera Hruba Ralston in the "ice skating movie star" sweepstakes, Belita (no last name required) clearly had her sisters in skates beat in the beauty and glamour departments. Belita also had an impressive list of other credentials: she competed in the 1936 Olympic Games at the tender age of 12; could speak four languages; and was also a classically-trained ballerina and skilled underwater swimmer, credited with performing the first underwater ballet. (Eat your heart out, Esther Williams.)

Strangely, despite her obvious talent and poise, Belita's film career played out at Poverty Row studios like Monogram, and in occasional suppporting roles in higher-prestige productions like MGM's Never Let Me Go (1953, with Clark Gable) and Invitation to the Dance (1956, with Gene Kelly; pictured above). She retired from professional skating in 1956, and left films soon thereafter. In her later years, The Ice Maiden retired to the south of France, where she passed away in 2005 at the age of 82.