Get Me to the Church on Time

We rarely get political around here, but of course, gay marriage is the hot topic everywhere in this country. In California, hundreds of gay and lesbian couples rushed to get their marriage licenses last month, when the state declared a ban on same-sex marriages unconstitutional. Opposition, of course, is just as strong, so stay tuned. In the meantime, perhaps you can help us with the decision of which proposal to accept:


JOHN GAVIN
Handsome, square-jawed, clean-living. Dull as dishwater.


GUY MADISON
The All-American, loves his mother and his country. Probably spends more time getting ready than we do.


ANTHONY EISLEY
Dark, suave and urbane. Bad temper. Likely alcoholic.


VAN WILLIAMS
No visible imperfections. However, has fetish for wearing masks. Devotion to Asian manservant suspect.


BRIAN KELLY
All around nice guy. Easy going. Good with kids and dolphins. We f*cking hate kids and dolphins.